Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I'm about to get very real with you, my friends.
My heart is hurting. I'm having a very hard time not feeling like everything is about to come to an end.
During the day, I'm happy. I smile, I laugh. I even feel happy too, but it's always mixed with a sadness I just can't seem to get rid of. I'm not sure if I will anytime soon.
A few days ago I wrote down, in a letter to my Father God, exactly what I was feeling, and am still feeling now. What happened next was just phenomenal. Here's what I wrote:
"God, I'm not sure I can do this. I really don't want to. I don't want my daddy to leave. My heart is breaking. I know he's got to go, I'm not asking you to not send him.
And I know you're close to the broken-hearted and you say not to let our hearts be troubled, but I don't have the ability to do that right now. I don't know how. I'm just overwhelmed. My heart is breaking.
Just heal it. Get me through these last couple of weeks, and then I'll break down. Help me take advantage of this time with him. Let it not slip by.
The night I wrote this I had a severe headache and couldn't sleep. So, I got up to stretch and pray/clear my mind. In one of the stretches I did, I got down on my knees and stretched my arms out in front of me, palms down. All of a sudden, I just felt the presence of God in my room. My first thought was I am not worthy, and then I thought well, how convenient that I'm already on my knees. I felt my heart being softened and I heard words coming out of my mouth expressing exactly how my heart felt, whereas I had been struggling for how to communicate with God about this.
I kept saying, "I am not worthy to be here, with You."
And He kept reminding me, "No, you're not; but I make you acceptable. Not only that, but desirable." Oh, the fresh realization that God desires me.
And then I had this epiphany of sorts: God created me. He fashioned and molded and liked every part of me. In my mind I went over just about every part of my body and wept at the knowledge that God took the time to create all of me. I didn't deserve to be created. And I wept all over again at the thought of being created by God. I am a creation of God, a work of His hands!
I just became so overwhelmed and could only speak the name 'Jesus' at this point; and, Oh, the power in this name! As I spoke it, I wept harder.
I just sat, knelt, and rocked as I prayed and spoke the name of God aloud.
Yes, all the crying made the headache worse and I ended up staying up till 3am with the worst migraine I've ever had in my life.
But better is one day in His courts, than thousands elsewhere.
While I was on my knees, rocking, I realized something that made my jaw drop: the God of the universe, the stars, and the heavens had just come close to me, a very pitiful and broken-hearted soul. He kept His promise, although I had just told him "And I know you're close to the broken-hearted and you say not to let our hearts be troubled, but I don't have the ability to do that right now. I don't know how."
Well, loves, I didn't have to do anything! He came to me. He "un-troubled" my heart, if only for a moment, and I was in the presence of God. I was in His company. I was speaking with Him. He was here with me, His creation, someone beyond unworthy of Him but still desired by Him.
I hope the Holy Spirit is moving through my simple words right now and showing you just how tender, yet powerful, he is and can be to YOU too.
If you are broken-hearted, don't even worry yourself about how to "un-break" and "un-trouble" your heart.
The truth is you can't do it. So let go, and let God do it. He can and He will, with or without your helping.
I testify to this.
I was just stretching, not even knowing how to begin to ask God for comfort because I couldn't even figure my own thoughts and feelings out.
I wasn't prepared for the encounter He had planned for me. I am so thankful He caught me by surprise, humbled me beyond imagine, and showered me in tender love.
Let Him come to you tonight. Let Him have you, give yourself over. Get lost in His love.
God be with you all!