Saturday, October 27, 2012

you hold me now

A warm breeze swirls around me. It tussles my hair, tickles my face. My arms are wrapped around my legs, tucking them close against my chest, protecting my heartbeat. My chin rests on my knees.
"I just want someone to hold me."
My whispered words seem to fall straight to the ground. They soak into the damp soil, where the earthworms will find them.
"No, Daughter. Pick it up."
His voice is soothing and smooth as cream, but his words aren't pleasant.
"I'm tired of doing that."
I tighten my hold, bringing my legs even closer. I shift around, a little uncomfortably. Is it getting cooler out here? The hair on my arms stand all the way up and chill bumps soon appear, like prairie dogs popping out of their holes, watching and waiting.
"No, it's just your heart. It's turning colder."
It's futile to hide my dismay and foreknowledge of that fact. The more I desire, the more that I long, the colder I become.
"But will anyone ever love me?"
The tears that begin to slip down my cheeks  keep me from saying anything more. But it's okay, because he can hear my heart. I hear him clear his throat, take a few breaths, seem to stutter.
"Why don't you let me hold you, love you, and keep you warm, my Daughter?"
Oh, how his words sound as if he were pleading with me! Curiosity begs me to lift my eyes and look at him, and so I do. But, oh. I see he was pleading, as a misty film covers his eyes and threatens to spill over onto his tan face. Those eyes- they hold such deep compassion and tenderness. Those eyes know me and love me. I cry harder, my chest gets tight, and my thoughts are very unclear.
"But, I've done that already. And I love it, I really do, but I want human love too."
My body trembles and my own sobbing is all I can hear. This is absurd! I have all that I need, why do I want? Or is that really my issue?
"Haven't I promised you a life of abundance, Daughter?"
He hears my thoughts.
"Yes, you have."
Understanding slowly fills me, like I'm being hit with a ton of bricks, only one brick at a time. I have been afraid. Fear has wrapped itself around my heart, keeping out the warmth he gives while keeping in my cold, human aspirations. It's wrapped itself around my mind, hijacking my thoughts, driving them into minefields where their only hope is to crash and burn, leaving me broken and pitiful.
"Do you trust me?"
This is the root of it all, isn't it?
"I thought I did."
Now I'm starting to doubt. Shame, regret, and sorrow flood my soul. I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper.
"I know that you do. You just forget sometimes that you can't entrust your desires to me and hold on to them at the same time. You must choose, Daughter."
Confusion and frustration grasp at my reigns, fighting for control.
"Well, of course I choose you. I'd choose you everyday, but that's the problem. What about tomorrow, when my heart grows cold again and I become afraid? It know it will happen. I can't seem to stop it."
Through blurry vision I see the sweetest smile -a half of one, actually- forming up the right side of his face. Some kind of sad whimper that is partly a chuckle comes from his throat.
"Daughter, that's why I never leave you. I know you will need me again tomorrow, and very soon after that too. And we can do all of this again. It will be my delight to make your heart warm again and remind you that there is no need to be afraid."
The same, warm breeze picks up again, adding swooshing sounds to our brief silence. He scoots closer to me and props my legs up against his own. His arms encircle me and I find one of his biceps to cling to. My head rests on his shoulder, his head rests on mine. I inhale deeply the scent of his loveliness, his beauty. This is perfect. I sit there, curled up in the lap of he who loves me and holds me when I feel totally unlovable, unreachable, and I know. I know that this is where I belong.

God bless your weekend!

i love you all,

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